In any case, a combination of the following factors (lockdown, ailing parents, periomenopause, work stress, worry about the future) has set me off in an extended period of memories, nostalgia, melancholy - call it what you will.
This weekend I wanted to re-tag some old blog posts with pp, so I could easily reference my writing about my Mum. This led to me having a late night of reading all the way through my blog, from 2006. At nearly 2am in early Saturday morning, having read many hundreds (if not thousand+ posts) I felt slightly done in and peculiar afterwards - sad and happy and nostalgic and I don't know quite what.
I remembered things that I had forgotten about the boys. Reading about my life pre-kids, i hardly recognize that woman! But I am so grateful to past Helen that I wrote my blog. And I am now focussing on filling in the gaps from 2019 and 2020 (even if the posts aren't perfect) and to keep writing this year, so I am up to date. I've said it myny times before, but my journalling helps me immensely.
Today I finished creating my @40 album. I've always done albums for everyone else - on big birthdays, on barge adventures, for my Mum and Dad etc. And this was one of my @40 challenges, to find 40 pictures of myself. I got lots of mini business cards printed and actually sorted the cards last year... but it took until today to actually make the album. Of course it took less time than I thought and I was pretty happy with the result.
I feel so grateful. I look at the photos and recall so many happy memories, so many loved ones, here now and also already gone. But they've all taught me something and loved me.
In any case, my blogs and my photos have helped me find some clarity and peace this weekend. I am loved. I am grateful to have reached mid-life. I have been so lucky to have had so many wonderful memories already and I hope that I live to have many more. I need to make some personal and professional goals that move me forward...
I am also reminded again that even thought this year or so has been difficult and disorientating for her as well as us, this doesn't negate all the wonderful years and life, love and energy that we shared with her before.
At the moment all my blogs seem so end up back at the marvellous Mrs P - and rightly so!