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A Bit Confused in Zürich

I’m having a confusing and miserable couple of weeks at the moment in Zurich, a lot of things have happened recently, not least Mike’s death in Zambia.

This year I feel very old, as though time is somehow running out on me. I feel as though I should have more to show from life so far, I wish we had a house of our own for example. I think that I will feel more settled here when I have a job and I’m keen for it to be a job that moves me in the right direction career wise. But as soon as I go back to work, I know that I’ll want to have the time and to not be working. I am angry with myself, as I’m always wanting something different and I cannot seem to live in the moment and enjoy the present, I’m always regretting the past or worrying about the future.

I want to have kids, but don’t know how this will fit in with our life here in Zurich. I need to work but need to get on with it. Alan thinks that I live my life by a set of fairly strict rules, which are self imposed. I think he’s right. I wish I could ease up on myself somewhat. But then the thought occurred to me, that the only thing I can do is focus on what I’m working on in the present. I need to finish the dissertation as well as I can, and also improve my eating and get fitter, so that I can also lose a stone.