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I can't get out of my own way...


This cartoon sort of sums me up at the moment. I feel very out of sorts and as my Grandma would say "I can't get out of my own way". My stress signs kick in when I feel that I haven't had time to blog, or sort photos - it makes me feel that life is flying past me and I am not noticing it. Mr.ncot has taken the boys out and I am desperately trying to get a few things done. I haven't written a weekly update on Patrick for 11 weeks now - maybe it's no coincidence that that is how long I have been back at work.

I know why it is so hard to find time for myself - working 4 days at week, still waking once or twice a night to feed Patrick, breastfeeding, trying to cook healthy meals each day, the endless laundry, mr.ncot having started a mba (away every other weekend), two gorgeous little boys to play with. I try to appreciate what I do get done every day (ie we are all fed, in clean clothes, and in the right place at the right time), but it is hard to let go of my other expectations. I feel frustrated that I can't lose weight, that I haven't been running the last few weeks, that I rarely have time to sit down and write.

I find that in the evening once boys are in bed and we are fed, I slump on sofa, watch mindless tv and drink a glass or two of red wine. In that moment, I think that is what I need to comfort myself. And yet, I know that to feel better, I need to look after myself in a different way:
* even just 30 minutes to tackle a quick task, or get started on a longer creative project
* go to bed early with a good book
* go for a run
* write a blog post
* edit a few photos

And yet, and yet... it is hard. It doesn't help that Patrick is still sleeping in our room, which means I can't work at my desk. But I am also not ready to send him into the other room, not least because he is still waking at 2/3am and 5/6am every night.

I recently bought myself this papercut art and I look at it on the dresser to remind myself of the big picture
No responses needed, just thanks for listening. A few nice posts about the boys to follow...

Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
lyzzybee
May. 28th, 2012 03:19 pm (UTC)
You have such a busy life and I bet the MBA stuff is having a real effect on all of your lives.

I find that it is useful to have a list of those things that make one feel better - even broken down into even smaller, more manageable chunks than yours: read a pony book / read a novel / work on x project / do half an hour LJ or whatever. That makes it easier, somehow, to pick something more affirming to do.

Tell you what - if you give up a slump in front of the telly, I'll give up a half hour of mindless Bejewelled Blitz playing on a computer I really should get away from of a late night! Deal?

((((hugs)))))
redheadraye
May. 30th, 2012 02:43 am (UTC)
Working momma syndrome
Ah, working momma syndrome. I've been there, honey. I see all of the above in me (except I was the one working on...still working on...a Master's). This is a rough time, and your whole family will be sacrificing during breastfeeding and mr.ncot's education.

Lyzzybee has it right...you need to do little things for you. But you've also go it right, too. You've got your priorities straight...feed and love the kids. As someone who desperately needs me time, I respect the feeling of unfairness that comes with spending an hour at the park with my child, watching her play, trying to keep her from hurting herself. That is "accommodating fun" as Gretchen Rubin from http://happiness-project.com/ would say. It isn't necessarily what YOU would do with your time, but in the end it DOES help make people happier.

I'm sending lots of love your way. (and some more messages, I hope!)
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )