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Feeling perfectly torn

I have been feeling so up and down since Friday last week and over the weekend spent a lot of time writing my thoughts in my personal journal. I am in transition, between getting Patrick settled into nursery and going back to work. I feel perfectly torn and am trying to accept the ambiguity of it all.

Every moment seems to be a series of disconnects at the moment. I am knackered from 100% breastfeeding, especially since Patrick is normally awake all evening until a final feed at midnight. I ache and am tired from him being phyically attached to me all the time. And yet, and yet. I feel a bitter sweet ache each time he feeds. I stroke his hair, he smiles and laughs up at me, I feel relief and pride when he latches on and eats. I am amazed at how he has grown (very chunky monkey, 9.1kg, 98th percentile). I want my body back and yet I am nowhere near ready to give up breastfeeding. We are starting baby led weaning and I love the fact that he gnaws on a stick of cucumber, and yet want him to stay where he is.

This week we are beginning the two week induction period at Kinderkrippe. I thought this process would be less painful this time. I love the Kinderkrippe and the staff and know that Patrick will be absolutely cared for and loved there. I know that he and Markus will play together. And yet, and yet. I look at my darling little baby and wonder how I can give him to someone else to look after. At the same time I am desperate for a few weeks time to myself before I start work. Time to get in shape, find clothes that fit, relax, try and get my head together.

I want to go back to work, I want to learn, be engaged at my company, want to forge a meaningful career path and yet want more time with my boys. I feel very anxious about going back to work, anxious at being back in a routine, working etc. And yet I know from last time it only took me a few days to be fully back in the swing of things. Which was good, in that I felt at home and welcomed back in the office. I liked being in charge of myself, working at my projects, feeling engaged and committed. But I also wondered that my life had changed so completely in those 6 months and yet the world of work had continued without me.

I need to accept these ambiguities. Accept that there is no perfect solution. Accept that I love my boys and want absolutely to do the best for them, whilst accepting that I want to work and that this is also equally important. Only we can decide what is right for our family. I am prefectly torn between these two spheres and will have to just balance as best I can.


( 6 comments — Leave a comment )
Feb. 1st, 2012 04:22 pm (UTC)
Thinking of you.
Feb. 1st, 2012 05:27 pm (UTC)
Thinking of you.

I'm still torn between working part-time & not doing all the school runs & my daughters are 9 & 7 :( This is because though thay they have been spoilt by me doing all of them initially & then still most of them. It's still most of them now, but they don't like a change to their routines.

I love being in work & being myself, not Kate & Holly's mum.
Feb. 2nd, 2012 06:14 am (UTC)
Sending lots of love as you deal with these natural ambiguities, you're right that only you can know what's right for your family-Cheryl
Feb. 2nd, 2012 07:04 am (UTC)
That's all so difficult - I really feel for you - but thinking and writing about it so clearly must help at least get the worry out of your head and onto the page, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

I wonder if the time has come to explore a freelance career, or would that be difficult in Switzerland - I don't know. But I can really see you doing freelance traning or career support or life coaching - you are really good at presenting and training, and at being motivated, organised and enthusiastic.

Just a thought. I hope you come to terms with the conflict in you and I know you'll cope with it all admirably.
Kate Davis
Feb. 3rd, 2012 10:29 am (UTC)
I have an idea of what you are feeling. Matthew isn't three months yet and I'm not expected back at work until November, but at times I'm still thinking about it. How will I have any time for me and what will the relationship be like with children if we are always getting ready to go to nursery or bed; I suspect I might nag a bit. I don't think I have the patience to be a full time mum and what the opportunity to develop through work, but I will be reluctant to give up my time with Matthew when it is time to return to work.

My daughter was 100% breastfed for 6 months and continued until she was just over 1. I've assumed I'll do the same with Matthew, but people have started saying I may want to wean him earlier. I'm currently ignoring them, even my husband.
Feb. 5th, 2012 08:33 pm (UTC)
The paradoxes of motherhood ...

I remember those feelings well. I regularly experience part-time worker's guilt, but refuse to call myself a part-time mother (despite feeling the guilt)!!

Take care!
( 6 comments — Leave a comment )