Every moment seems to be a series of disconnects at the moment. I am knackered from 100% breastfeeding, especially since Patrick is normally awake all evening until a final feed at midnight. I ache and am tired from him being phyically attached to me all the time. And yet, and yet. I feel a bitter sweet ache each time he feeds. I stroke his hair, he smiles and laughs up at me, I feel relief and pride when he latches on and eats. I am amazed at how he has grown (very chunky monkey, 9.1kg, 98th percentile). I want my body back and yet I am nowhere near ready to give up breastfeeding. We are starting baby led weaning and I love the fact that he gnaws on a stick of cucumber, and yet want him to stay where he is.
This week we are beginning the two week induction period at Kinderkrippe. I thought this process would be less painful this time. I love the Kinderkrippe and the staff and know that Patrick will be absolutely cared for and loved there. I know that he and Markus will play together. And yet, and yet. I look at my darling little baby and wonder how I can give him to someone else to look after. At the same time I am desperate for a few weeks time to myself before I start work. Time to get in shape, find clothes that fit, relax, try and get my head together.
I want to go back to work, I want to learn, be engaged at my company, want to forge a meaningful career path and yet want more time with my boys. I feel very anxious about going back to work, anxious at being back in a routine, working etc. And yet I know from last time it only took me a few days to be fully back in the swing of things. Which was good, in that I felt at home and welcomed back in the office. I liked being in charge of myself, working at my projects, feeling engaged and committed. But I also wondered that my life had changed so completely in those 6 months and yet the world of work had continued without me.
I need to accept these ambiguities. Accept that there is no perfect solution. Accept that I love my boys and want absolutely to do the best for them, whilst accepting that I want to work and that this is also equally important. Only we can decide what is right for our family. I am prefectly torn between these two spheres and will have to just balance as best I can.