February 1st, 2012

livejournal

Tweeting in the gaps - January 2012

a day of sorting and clearing out and getting blogs up to date!
5:13 PM - 1 Jan 12via web

have just unsubscribed from lots of blogs which I enjoy reading, but nonetheless take up lots of time. Focus for 2012!
5:16 PM - 1 Jan 12via web

resolutions for 2012 - http://nice-cup-of-tea.livejournal.com/688326.html
5:16 PM - 1 Jan 12via web

Happy 2012! http://j.mp/ux7lTe
2:47 PM - 2 Jan 12via LiveJournal.com

hurrah, Markus just had his first iceskate at the National Museum icerink in Zurich, the penguin helped!
3:38 PM - 2 Jan 12via web ·

Another first - markus just had his midday nap in his converted big boy bed!
3:38 PM - 2 Jan 12via web

what you don't want to hear from afar - NO Markus, don't walk on Patrick!
6:50 PM - 2 Jan 12via web

woohoo, first empty inbox of 2012 :-) Feeling superorganised!
10:46 PM - 2 Jan 12via web

baby asleep, final phase of decluttering post christmas underway. Final count - 10 bags of stuff to go to next door charity shop :-)
10:14 AM - 3 Jan 12via web

my news year resolution should be to stop making tea and then letting it get cold before drinking it. 3rd try to make fresh, hot cup of tea!
11:27 AM - 3 Jan 12via web

enjoying the early morning peace before baby wakes for next feed!
9:12 AM - 4 Jan 12via web ·

starting to create my next photo book (for 2005!) courtesy of snapfish.ch!
9:12 AM - 4 Jan 12via web

just done half an hour of postnatal yoga and 10 minutes rebounding and now feel rebalanced! Time for a soak in a bath :-)
7:24 PM - 7 Jan 12via web

feel liberated since I unsubscribed from lots of blogs that I was following. Now I only read my read favourites!
11:49 PM - 7 Jan 12via web

Yeehah - Have finally booked us a holiday (4 nights) in a lovely family hotel in Davos - we go in a week, fullboard and childcare - hurrah!
11:04 PM - 8 Jan 12via web

first lovely nice cup of tea of the day - much needed and this time drinking it hot no less!
10:49 AM - 10 Jan 12via web

This is a bookish wonder! Beautiful animation and music! -- The Joy of Books http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKVcQnyEIT8&feature=share via @youtube
12:35 PM - 10 Jan 12via Tweet Button ·

oh my goodness, loving these bookshelves :-) http://bookshelfporn.com/
4:07 PM - 11 Jan 12via web

oh dear, sicky toddler who just vomitted lunch, zvieri and supper up all in one go! Washing machine now on :-)
8:55 PM - 11 Jan 12via web

"sick" toddler is at home again today, currently watching B the Builder as right as rain!
11:09 AM - 13 Jan 12via web

just watched Gran Torino - wonderful film, love Client Eastwood and his growls!
1:23 PM - 13 Jan 12via web

i'm now coming down with sick bug :-( Desperate to go to bed and sleep!
4:28 PM - 13 Jan 12via web

now finished being sick and packing for holiday tomorrow! Fingers crossed that baby and hubbie escape sick bug!
11:57 AM - 15 Jan 12via web

my little lad is bouncing on bed, watching himself in the mirror, laughing like a drain. Such happiness right there, tears prob. close!
12:06 PM - 15 Jan 12via web

And we have a full sick house :-( alan now down!
12:08 AM - 16 Jan 12via txt

start of holiday delayed for a few hours for Mr.ncot to sleep it off!
9:43 AM - 16 Jan 12via web

well the 1030 planned departure didn't happen - now trying for 1530. All 3 boys asleep, me cleaning flat and paying bills :-)
2:14 PM - 16 Jan 12via web

I am cream crackered :-) http://j.mp/w4D08n
2:23 PM - 16 Jan 12via LiveJournal.com

All safely on train and on holiday!
4:05 PM - 16 Jan 12via txt

whingy clingy toddler is driving me slightly crazy today - help!
2:59 PM - 23 Jan 12via web

and toddler is now awake - have just hear the light in his room being turned on, followed by choo choo noises :-)
3:05 PM - 23 Jan 12via web

feeling a little bit down and blue for some reason. Baby asleep, perhaps hot both and nice cup of tea will help :-)
1:30 PM - 26 Jan 12via web

today is not improving much - feeling overwhelmed about going back to work, baby going to nursery, finances etc etc
3:11 PM - 27 Jan 12via web

biggest bonus in life? 2 happy healthy gorgeous boys and my equally gorgeous hubbie - life is good :-)
1:11 PM - 28 Jan 12via web

Our toddler should be called Pavlov boy - closing blinds and turning off light makes him say "bed" - he crawls into and goes to sleep :-)
1:23 PM - 28 Jan 12via web

a miracle - both boys are asleep, time for my lunch and internet fix!
1:26 PM - 28 Jan 12via web

just read an excellent article by @gabyhinsliff in this months's RED magazine, can't wait to read "half a wife" for mummy career inspiration
1:28 PM - 28 Jan 12via web

potty training bootcamp underway- one piddle on floor so far! Toddler M very proud of his red car big boy pants :-)
3:22 PM - 28 Jan 12via web

am caught up on sending emails and clearing my inbox - turning laptop off for a while. This eve will be updating flickr and livejournal!
5:26 PM - 29 Jan 12via web

cheapest therapy? Writing pages and pages and pages of self reflective angst in my moleskine journal :-) I feel better now though!
8:50 PM - 29 Jan 12via web

Baby p and are nicely worn out from baby swimming and now on our way to lunch. Hard life, eh?
10:54 AM - 31 Jan 12via txt
flower

February Resolutions

January came and went, I logged my food for a week or so, so can now realistically see where I was going wrong. Am gradually upping my exercise and activity levels. I realise that I need to write more often, so will try and blog every day. Have lots of posts to write, ie about January holiday, feelings about going back to work etc

1. exercise every day
2. write every day
3. 30 minutes on long term project every day

Long term projects
- filing cabinet
- baby books
- bookshelves
- photo albums
helen1

Feeling perfectly torn

I have been feeling so up and down since Friday last week and over the weekend spent a lot of time writing my thoughts in my personal journal. I am in transition, between getting Patrick settled into nursery and going back to work. I feel perfectly torn and am trying to accept the ambiguity of it all.

Every moment seems to be a series of disconnects at the moment. I am knackered from 100% breastfeeding, especially since Patrick is normally awake all evening until a final feed at midnight. I ache and am tired from him being phyically attached to me all the time. And yet, and yet. I feel a bitter sweet ache each time he feeds. I stroke his hair, he smiles and laughs up at me, I feel relief and pride when he latches on and eats. I am amazed at how he has grown (very chunky monkey, 9.1kg, 98th percentile). I want my body back and yet I am nowhere near ready to give up breastfeeding. We are starting baby led weaning and I love the fact that he gnaws on a stick of cucumber, and yet want him to stay where he is.

This week we are beginning the two week induction period at Kinderkrippe. I thought this process would be less painful this time. I love the Kinderkrippe and the staff and know that Patrick will be absolutely cared for and loved there. I know that he and Markus will play together. And yet, and yet. I look at my darling little baby and wonder how I can give him to someone else to look after. At the same time I am desperate for a few weeks time to myself before I start work. Time to get in shape, find clothes that fit, relax, try and get my head together.

I want to go back to work, I want to learn, be engaged at my company, want to forge a meaningful career path and yet want more time with my boys. I feel very anxious about going back to work, anxious at being back in a routine, working etc. And yet I know from last time it only took me a few days to be fully back in the swing of things. Which was good, in that I felt at home and welcomed back in the office. I liked being in charge of myself, working at my projects, feeling engaged and committed. But I also wondered that my life had changed so completely in those 6 months and yet the world of work had continued without me.

I need to accept these ambiguities. Accept that there is no perfect solution. Accept that I love my boys and want absolutely to do the best for them, whilst accepting that I want to work and that this is also equally important. Only we can decide what is right for our family. I am prefectly torn between these two spheres and will have to just balance as best I can.