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Baby, Baby

I found in Christmas cards, that 2 close friends are both 3 months pregnant and expecting in June, and to be honest, it's knocked me for six a little bit. It's pretty stupid, because I know that Alan and I haven't been having sex nearly enough, or at the right times, to be pregnant, but I now feel that I'm being left behind. Jane (friend in California) and I have been talking about our 'efforts' to get pregnant, so her news wasn't a shock. They'd been trying (very seriously) for 14 months, so that wasn't unexpected. Abi (friend from Sheffield Uni who's now in Derby) was a big surprise. We don't see each other enough at the moment to have had discussions about babies, and it's not unexpected in the sense that she's my age and has been happily married since 1999! It sounds like I'm really whinging (which I probably am) and I have nothing to whinge about, and I've not been trying really really seriously, and it's only been a year that it's been a possibility, and I haven't suffered any miscarriages, but I still feel down. I'm just really feeling left behind, and I feel a bit jealous that they're physically pregnant, you know? I really want that. I seem to wake up each day cradling my belly! To make matters worse, I've got my period at the moment, so am feeling shitty, in pain and probably my hormones aren't helping me to think emotionally about all of this!

I also feel really old, that I'm running out of time (I'm 31) and yet I think I'm making up the rules and putting the pressure on myself. My mum had me when she was 31, and always said that she was an old mother with her first child. She always seemed older than the other Mothers, and I always said I'd have babies long before her, and now that just isn't going to happen. God, Freud would have a field day with me! It's so stupid, because I know this isn't something you can control. I've also got a bit obssessed by how old other people are when they have babies. Maybe I'm scared that I'll be too old, or that I'm too old now?

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